Weekly Psyche

Think of this as a short reality show all about talk therapy.    Families frequently ask me if I have had a conversation with their child about what is acceptable and what is not to earn their rewards.  “Maybe they just don’t understand!”  I have had parents ask me this about children from 7 years to 37 years.  “Are you sure they understand what they have to do to earn?”  These parents still want to believe that a conversation can build bridges.  This is the story of “Talk Therapy.”  It is a real story parents pretend about innocence but it is really about ignorance masquerading.

Talk therapy presumes that the human animal has learned that  fulfillment of their needs requires  a work ethic.  I have had people from all caliber of the social structure comment, “Well, what does a child really need?”  These people must have come from the planet “Need.”  Earth does not fulfill because of need.  If you doubt this equation, please strip naked and sit in the middle of the Amazon rain forest.  The animals and insects that will feed upon you have learned to earn.  All animals on Earth learn to earn.  Not only does that equation grow the food we eat but it builds the mettle that makes the human whole.  That  is the definition of self-esteem.     Self-esteem certainly is not derived from talk therapy or an undeserved hug.  I have had children come to me and say, “Give me a bottle of water.  I need it.  I’m thirsty!”  Where did this work ethic of “Need” come from?  I reply, “What have you done to deserve this water?”  The child will usually look at me with quizzical eyes and repeat, ”Don’t you understand Dr. B?  I said I was thirsty.”   The animal must learn this behavior through some kind of pain experience.

Talk therapy requires that the human animal’s need for satisfaction has learned to wait until it has been learned.  The animal must learn this behavior through some kind of pain experience.  We have heard  the adage, “ The kid is going through the school of hard knocks.”  5% of the human population do not choose the school of hard knocks.  That is probably why people are crashing the borders of the United States.  It is the last bastion of a truly egalitarian society that practices “If you do the work you will get the pay.”

That of course is gradually changing as Obama creates taxes like “Unearned income.”  I remember when I first heard that term.  What did it mean?  Ahh.  All the working people that attempt to get ahead and make the economy solvent by creating art, building businesses, fixing up second homes instead of sitting in coffee houses or drinking beer after their 9-5 job will be punished with taxes for their work by the current government.  Let me see about this equation?  If I work hard and invest the dollars I have already been taxed on ”l will be punished.  If I watch TV and do nothing I will not be punished.”  You go Obama!  With this strategy we won’t be concerned about immigration.  They will cease flooding the borders of opportunity.  But some individuals keep trying. There will always be the 5%.  The mavericks that choose true leadership by blazing the trail for themselves, not corporate promotion of conformity.

Some individuals choose formal institutional schooling.  They experience incremental pain of not having their needs met immediately.  They take 4-8 years of schooling before they have the desired rewards.  The longer they go to school living a life of conspicuous poverty, the greater their reward when they graduate.  These individuals, those that do not drop out of school because it’s too hard, learn delayed gratification by delaying what they want until they have “Learned to Earn” their shingle. The shingle is their sign they hang outside their office:  Doctor, Lawyer, Psychologist, Indian Chief.   I have had a 26 year old threaten me, “If my parents do not pay for my rent I’ll sell drugs and make the money fast and they’ll  will be sorry.”  Here we see an example of an individual who is still using crib behavior (threatening, crying, tantruming) to acquire their desires.  Talk therapy cannot penetrate this human’s reasoning.  This adult female has chosen the school of “hard-knocks.”

We cannot talk the talk without the steps of learning.   We cannot be more than who we are.  We cannot give something we do not have.  We cannot give money that we have not earned.  We cannot give love if we do not have love.  It is a law of the universe,  just like the law of gravity.  We cannot harvest crops we have not planted.  And we can only learn through pain.  Planting crops is a labor of pain.  Going to school is a form of incremental pain.  “It’s hard!”  I did not make these rules. They were here when I arrived on the planet.  Cognitive therapy can only be effective if it is followed by behavioral steps of learning.  Like giving the advice of “go to school.”  What happens to this girl and 95% of the population that want it now? They finally get a job that does not fulfill their childhood dreams and they inevitably shrink their dreams to match their lifestyle.  Then they surround themselves with others of like circumstances and repeat the mantra, “the days of becoming rich are over.”  Instead of that twinkle in their eyes as they had when they were a child with the whole world in front of them, they drink the twinkle back into their eyes to forget their dreams.  Some of course choose the path to prison, like possibly this young 26 year old girl.  Some individuals who chose the “fast car” right out of high school can acquire wealth by slowly investing very small amounts for 30 years.  But that of course, like schooling, requires delayed gratification.  They must wait for their investment to grow and do without some luxury in the present for some future achievement.  But like schooling they say “Its too Hard”!  That’s why only 5% of the population creates the jobs and wealth for the 95%.  That 5% have gone to school and lived with denial of their desires to build something greater than themselves.  The secret to this equation of delayed gratification for the wealth of our dreams, is in the doing and building that builds happiness.  We call it self-esteem.  Self-esteem is achieved by an individual’s awareness that they can control their environment to achieve their dreams.  Happiness is achieved not through the “getting” but by the “doing.”  So for talk therapy to be successful, the individual must be motivated to take the steps of doing.  Happiness is achieved not through the “getting” but by the “doing.”  So for talk therapy to be successful, the child must be motivated to take the steps of doing.  They must be willing to lift the bolts to rivet the bridge or at least attend welding classes.  Talk just will not change the individual and hope will not open the book.  Hope will not change the world without the labor.  My grandfather that sold hogs to the U.S. military during World War Two would probably put it more succinctly, “Put your money where your mouth is!  You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?”

Incremental learning should begin at home when the child reaches the age of 6 years old.  Learning delayed gratification begins at home.  It begins with you.  Do a little get a little.  Do a lot get a lot.  On this planet we must plant the crop.  But always remember, whatever you plant that’s what you’re going to get.  Do you like your child’s behavior?  You planted it.  Always remember, you are on the planet earth.  If you plant carrots, you get carrots.  Not melons.  What have you been planting Mr. Obama?

This Dr. B reminding you, that we are not alone.